There is precious little to rival the noble calling of the Battersea Badger. Rockstars dream of pulling on the famous black and white cap. Hollywood actors pray that one day they might receive one of Barker’s 50-page emails. International Playboys would fly halfway across the world just for a glimpse of a Lee forward defensive. And yet there’s still a terribly distressing aspect of Badgerdom. A name that causes all Badgers to shudder. To wince. To flinch. To recoil as if hearing that the King’s Road have been crowned champions of a London Cricket League.
That name is Merton CC.
The reason for such tearing of hair and gnashing of teeth is a simple statistic. It reads as follows:
Badgers vs Merton:
Played 5. Lost 5.
So it was that the Badgers arrived at the John Innes Recreation Ground hoping that maybe – just maybe – this would be the year the curse was finally broken. So began attempt number six.
Having lost the toss for the 142nd time this season, Cloke and Lee stroke to the middle, ready to make history. It was however the Merton bowlers who made all running, slicing through the Badger batting order and bowling them out for 129 - the only crumbs of resistance coming from Jinks, Mcluskey and Marchant.
With the Quiche Lorraine and Battenberg still to be plated up, the Badgers were given a crack at the Merton top order before tea. 10 overs were agreed on and, after galvanising his troops, Mcluskey galloped onto the outfield on a charger named Destiny.
Maskell-New……wicket! Blake……wicket! Maskell-New……another wicket! Three down and the Badgers were in with a sniff! Merton, clearly rattled, resorted to desperate tactics, offering to provide an early tea before the 10 overs were up. “Not us!” cried Mcluskey, slapping Destiny on the arse and rearing up for another charge. Maskell-New – YET ANOTHER WICKET! Tea was taken and the Merton innings stood at 39/4. The Badgers had a chance. The Badgers had hope.
And yet they say that hope is the most dangerous emotion of all. Merton had in their team a trump card. An ace in the hole. A secret weapon. A game clincher. A batsman who scored a lot of runs in a very short space of time.
He drove, he pulled, he swatted, he slogged, he provided a couple of half chances but they weren’t taken. He passed his fifty. Merton neared their target. Badgers were on the retreat. Mcluskey was unseated. Destiny had trotted away to stick her nose up another horse’s bum.
As the innings clock ticked along to over number 25, another boundary was struck and Merton reached their target. The game was up. Ultimately, the Badgers simply hadn’t posted enough runs on the board.
It wasn’t sixth time lucky this year. Perhaps in 2014 it could be seventh heaven.