Back in 2007, the Department of Health’s Our NHS, Our Future report identified confusion surrounding access to certain NHS services in England. It suggested that the introduction of a national, three-digit number for non-emergency healthcare could help simplify the situation. Arrangements to identify and secure a suitable non-emergency number for England began in 2009, with the number 111 eventually allocated by Ofcom in December of that year. The word on the inside is that the NHS were not happy with this outcome, with their strong preference being 333. It made sense, 999 for emergencies, 333 for the other stuff - it felt right. However, some lad at Ofcom had the foresight to keep this number in the locker - for he could see that it would best serve another purpose. Today, if you find yourself in a cricket related emergency you can dial 333 and get through to the Battersea Badgers own Hash Hanafi. Hash will cancel whatever plans he may have to go to a friend's BBQ and dig you out of whatever cricket-related hole you’ve landed yourself in.
And this is exactly where the Battersea Badgers found themselves this past Sunday afternoon, in the brutalist shadow of Southeast London, enveloped by grey skies and greyer buildings. Our opponents, Southwark Park, were well versed in this concrete vision of cricket. All 26 storeys of the looming Maydew House emblazoned on their caps let us know we were very much in their house. A little discussion affirming that spikes were indeed not required and the Badgers were invited to bat. Robin & Dickie clambered up onto the astro wicket and made a healthy start against a bowling attack adept at playing on an artificial track - varying pace and line to coax the batsman into errors. Robin out for 12 and a change of personnel on both teams stymied the runs. Matt Collins dug in with Dickie to see the team 50 before making way for new Catalan signing Chris Blanco, who struggled to get his characteristic quick singles away on Bermondsey’s slow outfield and departed without score. Joe Peach in and enters what this writer is going to clunkily label Joe-pêche Mode. Martin had just presented a TED talk on the boundary about five words to live by: ‘These are the good days’, and Joe channelled this immediately with a boundary from his second ball. Another four moments later, the runs are flowing again and we just can’t get enough. Now I’ve always considered Joe Peach to be my own personal Jesus, but it doesn’t take long for the rest of the baying crowd to recognise just how precious this Bucket-hat toting Australian (born in Watford) really is. Now he may have a heart of stone (that is if he really is a peach), but that didn’t stop him becoming the apple of the eye of not one, but two local mad blokes who also couldn’t get enough of Joe. Two more boundaries before being dismissed for 19 and we all took a moment to enjoy the silence and reflect on another enjoyable Peach innings, ‘These are the good days’.
This put the Badgers at 84/5 which is about the time Captain Sam got his phone out and dialled 333. Fortunately, Hash was already pitchside having driven all 10 other players and 3 of the opposition to the ground - but he refused to put his pads on until he received the official call. “I’m on my way” said Hash, and he was because James Beeken had just given Southwark Park their sixth wicket. Larsson, at the crease, said something about trying to play along the ground to avoid the catches but Hash responded indignantly by hitting back to back sixes over cow corner. Hash may have missed out on a pals BBQ but that wasn’t going to stop him skewering the Southwark bowlers with a relentless flurry of shots. Larsson decided it was a show best enjoyed from the sidelines as he chopped on for 3 and Dodd shared the same view (or was told he did by the umpire), getting trapped LBW for 0. Martin Fitzgerald held up an end before being given the finger as well, leaving Captain Sam to selflessly block out so Hash could continue to unleash for the remaining overs. Hash hit seven maximums on his way to 64 from (because it had to be) 33 balls and the Badgers posted 163.
It’s a BYO tea day, we politely decline sharing the packet of biscuits Sam had opened with Friday's opposition from 2 Para Mess and opt for the delights on Southwark Park’s pond-side cafe. Once Dickie is coaxed away from his al-fresco lunch, the Badgers begin probing away. Success came immediately from, you guessed it, Hash. Martin put a pre-innings warmup to good use honing in on the stumps to share in the spoils and the opposition were reduced to 40-4. A lack of luck and some tough chances saw the game begin to slide in Southwark’s favour. A little frustration began to seep in, a questionable backfoot no ball decision saw Dickie march down the astro wicket, channelling Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men, exclaiming “I know the law!”. Peach made the breakthrough for the fifth, but five would be all we could take despite disciplined bowling and good energy in the field. A loss by 5 wickets, but not one to dwell on. We retired to the Stanley Arms to watch England comeback to win 2-1 and everything was fine again - these are the good days.
The day reminded me of something Martin Fitzgerald probably said once, that when you’re feeling down on your luck, or stuck in a tricky spot, it’s important you know that you have someone you can call who will help you out. Gareth Southgate has Jude Bellingham, Michael Eavis has Coldplay and the Battersea Badgers have Hash Hanafi.
In the words of Chris Martin himself (No not that one, Josh) - ‘When you try your best, but you don’t succeed, give Hash a call on 3-3-3”