The Battersea Badgers assembled in the London boundary borough of Bromley this past Sunday for a boundary bothering expedition of the most destructive pedigree. Fixture list stalwarts Oakhill Taverners were the day’s opposition tasked with withstanding the Badger artillery. Meanwhile HMS Badger docked with enough guns in the batting order to make The Battle of Trafalgar look like a schoolyard scuffle. Having posted the order in the Badger whatsapp that morning, Peter Warman had offered a short description, that with hindsight, could be construed as a warning, or a premonition: “Biffage”, or translated from the original French - Obliteration.
Captain Karl won the toss and, with his job done for the day, retreated to the scorers chair while the opposition took to the field. “Get on with it” was the instruction from Chairman Sam as the batsman strolled onto the field. The Badgers opened up upside down with a Ramsay Street pairing of Matt Waters and Ben Cornish, or for the non-Neighbours aficionados among you - a pair of really good blokes. Finch & Warner both got off to a good start, sharing the boundaries between them. Matt soaked up what little pressure the Oakhill opening bowlers could build, picking the boundary comfortably when anything loose was offered. Ben scored freely from the start, rotating the strike nicely so both could have their fill from the sharing platter of shrimps on the barbie runs on offer. It wasn’t long before a barrage of boundary hitting began and the Badgers 100 came up inside 14 overs without loss. Home and Away batted on, with Matt’s 50 looking to be matched by Ben before Umpire Steve gave him the finger and then dismissed him LBW for 48.
Tom Gerrard strolled in at 3, sans helmet as per, and dispatched his second ball for a thunderous four. A pair of enormous sixes from Tom sent Oakhill searching in the bushes. Matt, fresh from Ascot the day before, kept racing along from the other end to put himself into the 90s and the Oakhill attack seemed to be waiting for the inevitable. A change of bowling saw local porn actor and Father Christmas look-a-like Jacques Le Bars take the ball in hand (his own description). You might know him from seasonal classics such as Jingle My Balls & Here Comes Santa Claus but in the summertime he swaps the sleigh riding for darty spin bowling and sledging his mates from the fine leg boundary. Waters took a gift of a first ball to take himself to 99 before finding a single in the onside to bring up a marvellous century. “Time to give someone else a go”, said Captain Karl as he wrote “Retired Not Out” in the scorebook. Gerrard was to see out the over, but was bowled by a Le Bars dart next ball for a bludgeoning 31 from 15 balls.
Robin & Hash walked in and quickly informed Oakhill that the ammunition had not run dry on HMS Badger. It was a bit like that scene in Jaws where some fisherman catch a big tiger shark and for a brief moment the town convinces itself that the threat is neutralised. Chairman Sam and Captain Karl assumed the roles of Chief Brody and that marine biologist guy respectively, grimacing knowingly as the new duo picked up exactly where Tom and Matt had left off, cannoning four after explosive four. “You’re gonna need a bigger boat, Oakhill”. It was around this time that both the Badger 200 and 300 came up in quick succession. A blistering firefight that saw the ball blasted to every corner of the ground. A relaxing afternoon with the scorebook for Captain Karl suddenly became a pro bono gig as a courtroom typist, furiously scribbling away as Robin and Hash led the assault, bashing their way to criminally quick half centuries each. Hash departed for a round 50 from half as many balls, inviting American Express’s most valuable customer Steve Thomas to cash in for the final few overs and post 11*. The Badgers closed their account with a daunting 325 from their 35 overs. Special mention to Robin whose 67* makes him the first Badger to reach 5000 career runs for the club.
A short break provided enough time for some clubhouse envy before the Badgers took to the field. With Hash having posted 50 with the bat and Barcelona’s Chris White sipping a glass of Sauvignon Blanco somewhere on the Costa del Sol, it was Isaac Claridge given the new ball to join House-Mate and Chair-Man Sam to begin the Badger fielding innings. Four wickets in four overs for a grand total of six runs saw Oakhill almost felled with a single blow. Isaac attacked the stumps, taking Le Bars wicket for a second ball duck. Allwood opened with 2 wickets for one run, both clean bowled, and a wicket maiden in his second saw him removed from the attack at 3-1 in a stroke of clemency for the Oppo from Captain Karl. Oakhill managed to settle for a time. Our very own Jacques joined the attack to put some recent coaching and a respite golfing in France to good use while Captain Karl probed from the other end with characteristic loop. Jacques made way for Ben Marshall whose quality, which delivered him 5-7 on debut just 48hrs before, was on full display as he challenged the Oakhill defence. The left arm pair cracked into the wickets before long, Ben took 2-6 with one chipped to Jacques and another clean bowled. Karl removed the Oakhill top scorer with a windswept ball that hit top of off stump and another from a ball tossed up and tossed back up to Robin at Mid-off. A third for the captain came courtesy of an athletic juggled catch in the slips from Cornish, leaving him with 3-19 from six overs.
Claridge and Allwood returned to shoot it out for the final wicket. All hands on deck as the guns were back firing. Steve took a couple of hits from friendly fire as he fielded with any part of his body not protected by his brand new wicket keeping gear, presumably in an effort to keep it in box-fresh condition. Allwood bowled from the portside end, with a pair of maidens that gave Isaac flashbacks to a hazy 5am in The Swan a few months back. Undeterred and fuse lit, Isaac ran in from the starboard end and cannoned one final ball into the stumps to sink Oakhill and deliver victory to The Badgers, winning by an enormous 246 runs.
We retired to the clubhouse where Matt took BOTM for a sublime first century of the season and we were reminded of Peter Warman’s prophetic description earlier that morning. The psychological phenomenon of a self-fulfilling prophecy suggests that expectations can shape reality. It starts with a belief or expectation being formed: Biffage. That belief then influences behaviour either consciously or unconsciously: Biffage. Then the behaviour causes the belief to manifest in reality. It’s said that Lord Nelson famously visualised victory at Trafalgar using a similar tactic, by imagining himself bowling Napoleon top of off stump. On his deathbed, having been gunned down by a french marksman in the fifteenth over, he is reported to have said “Thank God I have done my duty”. Then with his last breath a final utterance which was struck from the official record - because it sounded a bit too French. As news came below deck that the Colina del Roble was captured and scuttled by the crew of the HMS Badger, Nelson turned to his scribe and as he expired whispered one word: Biffage.