NOTE: THIS WAS FOUND WRITTEN IN A BEER STAINED NOTEBOOK OUTSIDE AN ESTABLISHMENT CALLED CLUB BAGHDAD. WE ARE CURRENTLY TRYING TO VERIFY IT'S VERACITY
Legend says that the name Barcelona is the modified version of the word ‘Barkenlo,’ meaning ‘the one with the most vegetables or good plants.’ Another urban myth from modern times reveals that Martin Fitzgerald is one-fifth soya and has never been in the same room as an egg. Little wonder then that Fitzgerald, Tour Sec extraordinaire and the only vegan in the village, opted for this Spanish jewel as the destination for 2024 Badgertour. Three games were scheduled, one and a bit actually took place and here’s how the touring party fared.
The team arrived in Spain under a cloud, both literally and metaphorically, with major downpours forecast and the Allwood captaincy under attack from all sides. Facing significant flak after his decision to axe the likes of Lee, Jinks and Dollimore from the 2024 playing squad, Allwood also managed to trick three members of the team into taking a 14- hour train with him. So, while Dickie and Steve were already sitting on La Rambla supping sangria, Sam was enjoying his twelfth hour of rail travel, encouraging his fellow passengers to name their favourite train stations and telling anyone who’d listen about his ultimate Nazi batting eleven.
But no matter. As the black-and-white heroes assembled the next morning at the Camp Municipal de Beisbol, the Badgers were ready for action. Receiving the nod to open the innings, Knight and Cornish wasted no time in strapping on their pads to begin their pre- batting routine. For Cornish, it was a chance to finally change out of his hilariously tight Tour T-shirt. For Knight, it was an opportunity to look at his phone and check on his evening reservation at Club Baghdad.
Playing on an astro baseball pitch was a new test for these prolific batsmen and plenty of ‘Australian language’ emerged as they tried to overcome confusion over the lack of a cut strip. Going proved tough for all the Badger players with only Knight, Shone and Collins remaining at the crease for any period of time. Collins in particular showed dogged staying power, which was all the more impressive considering how sore his belly must have been from Peach slapping it all night (video available on request).
Moving into the heavy-metal final overs, the Badger innings was on a knife-edge but Allwood remained muy tranquilo, knowing he’d stacked the team with big-hitters throughout. First Claridge played an aggressive cameo, delighted to come to the middle so he could avoid questions about who vomited on the hob the previous night. He was closely followed by Peach, for once not dressed as a fisherman, who showed similar intent. And finally Thomas, wonderfully trolling his captain, his teammates, and indeed the entire sport of T20 cricket, by seeing out a maiden in the 19th over.
Closing on 118/7, the Badgers looked to have a challenge on their hands, especially given the big names missing from the team. Mackrell and Warman were still to arrive, having been detained trying to smuggle extra-heavy bats and contraband trombones into the country. [Mozam]Beeken was on hand at the ground but injured with a broken shoulder – although admirably still dressed in full whites and carrying his entire kitbag. Gerrard was keeping a low profile after spilling ten pints of beer the previous night; Blench was telling Fitzgerald that umbrellas are for frauds; and Adams was too busy scurrying around the boundary with his camera, getting shots for the Badger Hunks Calendar 2025.
Allwood began proceedings after the restart, extracting plenty of bite from the new ball, although this turned out to be something of a karmic pact when later in the Tour he was bitten by a dog outside Lidl. And, despite the quality of the bowling, the Barcelona innings began at pace, with the worryingly impressive opener picking up boundaries at will. Something special was needed to break the deadlock and thankfully the Allwood Armada had a secret weapon in their locker. Somehow elected to umpire his own team’s bowling, Gerrard took very little persuading when asked to adjudicate the first LBW appeal from his side. It was a fair decision but eyebrows were raised by his beaming grin, followed by his decision to celebrate with the rest of the team in the post-wicket huddle. Enjoying his role as judge-in-chief, he happily bid a fond adios to another batsman a few overs later and that night told a Spanish lady how shit she was at karaoke.
Whether it was the skill of the Badger bowlers or the desire of the Barcelona batsmen to tuck into beers and patatas bravas at their lovely stadium bar, wickets tumbled at regular intervals, leading to a convincing Badgerwin. Allwood accounted for four of the top five and White was forced to apologise for the first of his excellent dismissals but it was Larsson who really caught the eye with his two scalps. The first put the icing on his incredible bowling this year, underlining his record for most wickets taken in a single season. And the second was amusing because Foordy took a really good catch and then fell onto his bum.
That Badger victory, by 37 runs, was a brilliant start to the Tour. Hopes were high for the subsequent fixtures but Saturday’s game was a complete washout and it was a Sagrada Familia(r) story on the Monday, when heavy rain put paid to that one as well.
In many ways it was a Tour of opposites. The trip began with a great match against fun opposition, but sadly that proved to be the only full game possible. Much merriment was had in and around La Plaça Reial, but Karl was spat on by a local after leaving Isaac for dead at Red Garter. Dickie wowed the crowd with his Elvis karaoke but the team murdered Dreadlock Holiday on the same stage. You simply can’t have yin without yang and you also can’t have a successful Badger Tour without one member of the team almost being arrested for public indecency Joe Peach.
Sincere thanks must go to Tour-sec Fitzgerald, who not only organised a wonderfully enjoyable trip but juggled so many player demands as well. Ranging from Allwood’s stipulation that the Badgers would only travel to cities that recognise St George as their patron saint, to Collins’ desire to pay for everything with his pre-prepared bags of 10 cent coins, everyone left happy, tired and slightly dirty.
The inhabitants of Barcelona were no doubt sad to wave goodbye to this selection of Battersea’s finest, but the visit left them with a gift of their own. No longer do they speak only the tongues of Spanish and Catalan but have added the language of Fitzgerald too.
Now watch this drive.